My first run — 15km Newton Challenge

Woke up at 4.30am on Sunday morning for my first-ever marathon. 

It was so hard to get out of bed and it was even tougher to fall asleep last night because I was so nervous about the run I couldn't even stop thinking about it. 

Kept having the thought that I would fail in the end and give up. Lol!

Last night, I received news from my bestie that she would not be able to join the run due to her bad flu. Poor girl has been sick since Christmas and I really didn't want her to join the run. I am quite glad her bf stopped her from joining and she listened! Haha. Karen, don't be too stubborn next time! Hahaha.

I went with Felix, Kevin and Hwei Saan in the end. Knowing how fast Hwei Saan and Kev run, I made plans in my mind to run with Felix since I heard he, like me, didn't train at all!

The run kicked-off at 6.30am and Kevin and Felix were beside me. I found a comfortable pace to run at and thought it would be good to keep at that pace. 

Ran some uphill slopes and down and up again... By then I was ahead of Kevin and Felix, and I find it off that they haven't caught up with me yet since thy both can definitely run faster than I do. Lol! 

Finally Felix caught up and told me that Kev was injured and he stopped for a while.

With a worried heart, I turned back and saw him walking extra slowly. He said he was okay and that it was just a temporary muscle pain. So we walked for a while and then continued to slow jog till the first water station which was about 4-5km from the starting point. 

Everything started getting more and more grueling from here onwards. The uphill climb and downhill walk/run almost killed my will so many times!! Felt like a dead person when I finished the race lol.

Took me a really long time to finish 15km... I think slightly more than 2.5 hours. Haha. This record is even worse that Kev's record for his half-marathon at Penang Bridge run! What a shame that Kevin didn't get to run because he wanted to cheer me on and run with me. In the end he gave up on his own run, even though he could have easily clocked anytime between 1–2 hours. 

Finished the run finally at Kevin's encouragement and at God's guidance. 🙏❤️

I remembered the last uphill part at the Kinrara Residence u-turn. It was such a torturous last 3.5km for me then. And I suddenly had this urge to "talk" to God. I just had fuzzy random thoughts about why didn't I pray before I came to run and that if I should give up or continue running? My will was almost broken then. Even Kevin's cheer and encouragement seemed to have not worked well. 

About 10 seconds into my thought, at the u-turn, this uncle who ran 25km overtook me and I saw something behind his running vest, and I believe it's a sign from God. The quote behind his vest said, 

“Powered by God. Fueled by Jesus.”

And because of that I started walking faster than I already was. Haha! 

I believe my pace of run/walk was too much of a leisure for Kevin! About 2km away from the finishing line, Kevin stopped and bought newspapers and walked while reading it. Lolol!

Some runners were so amused by that they smiled and laughed a bit when they saw us buying papers. 

I am amused by my own boyfriend too! Haha 

Kevin ran ahead of me when we were nearing the finishing line to take this picture of me running like an aunty. Lol!

Super happy that I finished the race! 

And super honored and glad that it was my friend/colleague, Yiing Qian who gave us the medals. 

This was me trying to steal her from her duty for a shot. Hehe.

Yiing Qian is an avid marathon runner herself and she runs half-marathons. But she sat out of #NewtonChallenge this time to work as a crew instead. 

I secretly thinks she knew about the uphill route that's why she sat out! Keke!

Noob Kevin and Hwei Saan, who probably finished 1 hour before Kev and I arrived at the finishing line. Lol! 

Hwei Saan is an awesome runner and she has been running for 3 years plus now. She's actually Kevin's running partner. Feel so bad she had to run alone this time because Kevin accompanied me. 

Finally, a picture with my noobie Kevin! 

I can't thank him enough for always being there for me and with me, through ups and downs and thick and thin. 

It's not easy to find a best friend and confidante in someone, and it's even harder to find a bestie, a confidante and a lover in one. 

I feel happiness and real joy, knowing that he didn't give up and ditch me when he could have easily done so. He spurred me and encouraged me endlessly, all the while keeping in mind it was my first run.

Kevin is someone who never gives up nor say "No" in times of troubles. He also doesn't believe in weaknesses. But throughout our time together, he has learnt to accept my weaknesses as his own, and see the positive side of all my flaws. Even I think that sometimes I can't find a tinge of positivity in my flaw.

The usual him would have probably been mad because we walked for most part of the last 10km, but he was so awesome today he just kept walking with me and telling me to take it slow.

I have an awesome best friend and boyfriend. And the nicest part of it is they are the same person!!!

My first and last run of 2013. And probably my greatest achievement for my personal growth this year! 

 I don't think I'll stop running now. Haha! It's highly addictive!

But I will start small and not choose runs like the one today. Probably something on flat land tqvm hehe! 

Quite glad that they got my full name correct. Next time I shall register with just my first and last name. Either that or my middle name and last name. 

Eunice Ho or Rui-yi Ho? 

Stronger, happier and wiser.

People always say that with time, you know how great you can become. I used to think that the word "great" carried a lot of weight. "Great" to me was being successful, earning big bucks and living the life everyone dreams of. And "great" was something I never really pursued nor thought that I would be.

Then, things changed 9 months ago... Which indirectly changed me. I realised soon after that "great" doesn't have to be measurable nor tangible. "Great" to me now, means being able to do a lot more than before, feeling satisfied, and getting the things I deserve that makes me so much stronger and wiser. 

9 months ago, a broken soul posted this here: 

Today, I have someone whom I deserve so much... Someone who will fight for me, live for me, love me unconditionally, stand up for me and support me. 

I exchanged a loser months ago for a huge God-fearing fan. 

To me, that is the best bargain I have ever gotten. 

Missing you... My tiny little man.

There are moments that I thought I could live fine without him. That I will be better with lesser baggage and that I will grow to forget him...

But maybe I was wrong. 

For the moments I pretended to not care and to not be affected, I actually miss him terribly much. 

It has been almost 6 months since we were separated. I can still remember that night when he was taken away. I cried. I cried like a kid, bawling my eyes out because I had to part with him.

My tiny little man, who loved me like no other. In his tiny world, I was his strength and his hero. I was the one he would run to every morning if I was around. 

I was the one who allowed him to sleep with me, under the same comforter. 
I was the one who comforted him, hugged him, and showered him with care when he was sick and tired.

I remember how frail and weak he was when he fell sick. How he could barely even walk and how it broke my heart so much that I cried when he fell into my arms after trying so hard to stand on his stick thin legs. 
I remember how when he was first brought home at only 6 weeks, one day after my 24th birthday, he was shivering and wailing the whole night, and he only stopped when I put him in my hands and kept him warm. He was only slightly longer than the size of my palm then. So tiny but so full of energy.

I taught him how to sit, how to lie down, how to give high-five, how to play dead, and how to jump.
I bought him all his toys. His favourite drumstick plush toy, which I had replaced so many times with new drumsticks because he only likes drumstick, and nothing else. 
I did research on all his food, kept tab of his allergies and things that will cause him to be sick. 

Now, I don't get to do any of these for him anymore. It is no longer my duty to care for him. No longer my responsibility as a "mother" to make sure he is well at all times.

He was my tiny man. 

My tiny furry companion. 

I miss you, Alffy. 

And I hope you have not forgotten me ... and that you will always have that special place for me, just like I have for you. 

"...love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

Too Silent Too Long

Can't believe that I have been quiet for so long.
It felt like I just blogged last week when in actual fact, it has been a month since the last post.

DAMN.

Where did all my time go to?

I've been meaning to blog more often, believe me. Things have been so good recently and I have found such fulfilment and joy in being myself that I cannot wait to share with the world. But I honestly don't know where my time went to. I think I need to start planning my time wisely. Maybe I'll make it a point to blog on Sundays when I have my alone-time after church.

This silence is not good! Not good at all!

I blame it on Instagram. It makes uploading photos and updating snippets of my life so easily that I no longer care to write about my life anymore.

Anyway, you can follow me on my Instagram at @hyoonhee

Teehee.

New Role

In the blink of an eye, it's already June. 

2013 has proven to be full of surprises so far. Challenging. Full of choices. Ever-changing. And filled with blessings (some were in disguise). 

I wouldn't say that I have come very far, because I didn't. But I feel proud of myself when I know that I have done things that I never had the guts to do in the past. 

In January, I was depressed. Work, relationship, health. I was going through rough times. 

In February, I was dumped by my longtime boyfriend (now obviously an unimportant ex) of four years for no apparent reason. I also had to give up one of my beloved doggies, Alffy, because of the break up. 

In March, I celebrated my birthday, with lovely people. My awesome friends and family. I feel truly blessed in March. Things took a turn for the better. I also started driving! Yes, I can drive now, but still not very well. Have to drive more often. Hehehehe.

In April, I visited Tokyo, Japan! Along with my sister and our friend, we went on an all-single-girls trip. It was also the place I made a Japanese friend, Ryoji-san. April also was the month that something really good happened. My BFF started going after me, and yes, I am seeing him now. 

In May, I FINALLY got the job I have always wanted. I got a promotion and that was probably the highlight of May. :D I also started going to church, which has indeed helped a lot in my well-being and in keeping me positive about myself and my life. 

And now June, I fully assume the new role as a Subeditor. I have to go through the review process of six months and the probationary period again. I hope and pray for the best, that I will do well and successfully get off review before the six months end. 

All-in-all, I just want to say that I am grateful, to have beautiful and supportive people in my life. From friends to family, from housemates to colleagues. Everyone has been nothing but kind to me, guiding me and lending me a helping hand when I need them. 

I don't know what I am if I am not a blessed soul. 

Contentment is indeed the source of long-term happiness. 

So tired...

Hello!

I know I've neglected this blog for a while. Fret not, things are pretty fine with me. As what people always say, no news is good news. I guess you can pretty much say the same about me.

Just that work has been taking a lot of my time. The journey to work has also become longer, and I need to wake up 2 hours earlier everyday just to make sure I get to work on time. The office has been relocated to PJ due to some issues with my office building. As such, travelling time is longer too. Workload has also been quite a lot, but I'm not complaining, because every other thing at work seems to be going smooth for me. *fingers-crossed*

The only downside to the whole thing is that I've not been getting enough rest, which is making me very tired, physically and mentally. I've also been falling sick more often after shifting to the PJ office. I blame the room, which, till this day, still makes my eye sting...

I'm thinking of some of my commitments and hobbies on hold for a while to give myself more time. Need to learn how to prioritise my life and commitments at the moment.

Two nights ago, I received news that my grandma fell and broke her shoulder. She's too old for surgery, the doctor said. She can only recuperate at home now, with the help and care of her maid. I hope the cast and calcium will help speed up her recovery. It pains me to see her like that at her age. :(

If you're reading this, please please please help keep my grandma in your prayers and wish her a smooth recovery. Thanks!

The End

So the Japan trip came to an end. It wasn't anything sad, but a part of me still felt a bit down that I couldn't spend more days there.

Maybe it's because so many of our plans were spoilt by the rain and unexpected turn of events.

I wouldn't say I dislike Japan, but it is definitely less appealing to me as compared to South Korea. Japan is beautiful in its own little ways and I can't agree more that Japanese are all very well-mannered.

The view was awesome, mostly.
The food was great... I still cannot get Mutekiya Ikebukuro's ramen out of my mind. I've never liked ramen, but theirs was just super tasty. I wish I can go back for more!

I miss Japan.

A whole lot.

I want to go back again....

나의 엄마. 我的妈咪。

I was the first kid at home to make my mom cry.

I was the first one to rebel at her.

I was the first child to disappoint her by failing my Additional Mathematics paper in high school.

I was the first kid of hers to skip tuition classes.

I was the first one to have a boyfriend.

I was the first kid who broke her heart.

I was the first kid who made her cry not once, but three times in her entire span as a mother.

All in all, I was the first kid of hers who broke almost all the rules that she had set for me when growing up.

It's just like the song "Mama" by Spice Girls....

She used to be my only enemy

And never let me be free.

Catching me in places 

I knew I shouldn't be.

Every other day I crossed the line

I didn't mean to be so bad

I never thought you'd become

The friend I never had

Back then I didn't know why

Why you were misunderstood

So now I see through your eyes

All that you did was love

Mama, I love you

Mama, I care

Mama, I love you

Mama, my friend

You're my friend

I didn't want to hear it then

But I'm not ashamed to say it now

Every little thing you said and did

Was right for me.

I had a lot of time to think about

About the way I used  to be

Never had a sense of 

My responsibility

Back then I didn't know why

Why you were misunderstood

So now I see through your eyes

All I can give you is love

Mama, I love you

Mama, I care

Mama, I love you

Mama, my friend

You're my friend

Mommy will forever be the number one fan of her kids. It doesn't matter to her how much pain we have put her through. How much tears and worry she has gone through just to bring us up.

Mommy did it without regrets, with no complaints, and she took everything I threw at her in her stride, good or bad.

I am really proud that I am her daughter. 

I always feel the greatest when people tell me that my parents taught me well.

I love you, Mommy.

Thank you for always being there, through thick and thin, ups and downs.

Thank you for always helping me to stand up again when I fall, without any second thoughts.

Thank you for always loving me so unconditionally. 

Thank you for always forgiving me when I complained about how unfair you were, and how you love jiejie and boy more than you love me when growing up.

My only regret is that I didn't understand these earlier... That everything you did was because you love me and cherish my life more than yours and maybe more than how I cherish my own life itself.

I don't know how you do it, but I am truly amazed and in love with your will, Mommy.

I love you. With every little bit of my heart. <3

First Single Ladies' Trip

Hello! I am actually in Tokyo now. Blogging from my bunk bed in Asakusa.

Japan is such a different country from Seoul. Asakusa is laid back and quiet, unlike the loud and bustling Myeongdong. But I still love Seoul more though. Haha yes I am biased like that.

We visited the famous Ueno Park today. The cherry blossoms are all in full bloom, some have even withered. But the sight was still breath-taking!

解脱。Relief.

I haven't thought about some questions in a while. Questions I used to wonder and asked myself a lot when I was feeling very down.

Then came one day, when I had actually encountered something... A situation which, if it had happened 1 month ago, would have made me very upset. I surprised myself again. I actually didn't feel anything, other than feeling sorry for the particular person.

I often wondered how someone I have known would actually become such a great liar. That in the end, lying to me wasn't enough, and the person had to actually lie to mutual friends of ours and made up an excuse over the break up.

I feel sorry for friends who actually believed him when he said he quit the relationship because he wants to focus on his career. But a few days back he confessed to me that it wasn't because of that and that he can't tell me the real reason. I am not affected by his admission because I never had any expectations on him after the break up. To me, whatever he says after what happened no longer hold any importance to me.

So please don't worry about me. Because I am only getting stronger and better everyday. I just feel sorry that friends have to be lied to because of us.

I am relieved. Extremely relieved that I am so much stronger and that I have let go of such a huge part of me unknowingly and I feel so proud of myself that I no longer care about what he says now.

So please feel happy for me! :)

This girl will only get stronger. Hehehe.

파이팅!

One month

It has been one month since the last time I cried.

Since the last time I shed a tear over the pain and the grief.
For all this time, I have been fine. Very well, actually.

But today, I have this sudden urge to want to cry. It feels like as if there's still something inside me that I have not let out.

When will I really get over the change?

루나플라이. LUNAFLY.

After so many posts since I came back on blogger, this is probably the first time I mention LUNAFLY.

Since September 2012, I have been a fan of a new Korean band called LUNAFLY. Close friends who know me well will know why exactly I like the band.

Yes, guitars.
Acoustic guitars to be exact. :)

I have always have a soft spot for guitarists since I was young. It's probably because I have always liked how acoustic guitar sounds. It's like every song can be played on the guitar. I like how versatile and how different guitar sounds.

A fast track can have a totally different feel to it when played on the guitar. For example, Justin Bieber's Baby and Psy's Gangnam Style. Both sound so much better when the covers are done using acoustic guitars.

Back to LUNAFLY, I was introduced to them by a friend who knows I love bands. And I was immediately attracted by how different they sounded from the normal K-pop. They can sing, can compose, can play a wide range of musical instruments. And they are totally different from CNBLUE (another band I enjoy listening to).

And that was how the interest in them grew. Back then, LUNAFLY was almost unknown in Malaysia, and I wanted to have people to spazz about them with but it was always just Aisyah and I. So in the end, I decided to start a Fanbase for fun, and we called it MyLUNAFLY. And it officially started functioning in October 2012. Back then, we only had a Twitter account. Then we had Tumblr (it's an awesome tumblr page!! Thanks to Aisyah eonni who put in so much effort!) an FB pages. Our Fanbase grew bigger as we kept promoting the boys by providing tweet translations.

And one day, Aisyah decided to approach an event organiser about bringing LUNAFLY over... And it happened.

The thing we never believed would hve happened is actually happening. LUNAFLY is coming over to Malaysia an they actually know of our existence! Yunny has even tweeted about us twice!

This is something that I have always felt very proud of. Something that I have always felt that I can never give up. It was our brainchild and our love that started this.

I'm thankful that during these past few months when I was going through a rough time, my team have been running the site and twitter page so actively. They have done so much more. Liaising with event organisers, promoting the showcase and even doing fan projects. I feel blessed. Really really blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.

So here, I'd like to thank them. Sya eonni, Norlee eonni, Fatihah, Sera, Safi, Sam and our new member, Natalie. I hope MyLUNAFLY achieves so much more in the future!!

LUNAFLY FIGHTING!!
MYLUNAFLY FIGHTING TOO!!

네 잘못이. 不是你的错。

If you ever come across my blog, be it now, or in the future, I'd like you to listen to this song.
In return to you telling me to listen to Lee Hom's 你不知道的事，I'll reply you with this song.




But of course, I am not as emotional nor hurt anymore.

I just want you to know these few lines in the song.


别说你难过别再安慰我
最烂的理由是你配不上我
我没有你想像中脆弱我会好好的
没有什么罪不可赦

我的世界没有你也许更辽阔

I am living very well now. *smile*

Misunderstanding

The world is always full of misunderstanding.

Little words that could mean nothing to one person, could mean the world to another.
Certain actions that could mean the world to some people, could mean nothing to someone else.

How do you stop people from misjudging your actions and words?
How do you approach someone, and try to clear the air, without having to feel like a fool or unimportant?
Or do you wait for a long while, for time to clear everything for you?

I don't know.

All I know is, standing alone in the midst of confusion is...

Confusing.

I don't like the anonymity. It makes things feel out of place somehow.

Trap

For a little while, I fell into my own trap. But I see it all clearly now. The traps that I have built while I was not paying attention.

I'm glad I now know which direction to take.

＂是你的，就会是你的。＂

그는 온다면...如果他来了……

发现二十六岁的我，对失恋，分手和感情的看法不一样了。
以前分手时，都能开开心心的，说　“我还有很多时间！　不好不就分手咯。”

但这一段感情，真的把我对　“谈恋爱”　这三个字的看法改变了……
我不知道我是否有没有可能再去喜欢另一个人。喜欢了，也不确定自己是否能够完全的相信他。

信任，好像突然变得好陌生。

因为受的伤不轻。
因为付出的不少。
因为曾经拥有的不只是心痛。
因为经过了许多风吹雨打。
因为太相信。

我希望我还会有勇气去相信自己的幸福，　去相信在不遥远的未来里，会有那么一个人，能把我已经化为石头的心，用耐心和爱心慢慢的溶化和打动。

我不求很多，我不求一个有钱，有样貌的人。
我只要一个会支持我，会为我打气，会一辈子牵着我手的人。
如果他来了，我希望我会看得到他。我希望我不会错过他。

就希望，这个好男人，还存在。也希望我的心，不会一天比一天更硬。

Birthday Weekend

So, the dreaded 10 March came and passed by and it was anything but dreadful!

I had a lot of fun, meeting up with old, old friends, catching up on good old times back in college where we would "bully" our friend... How the forever mischievous Cheng pulled down Jeff's pants in lecture hall. (Thank you Amelia for bringing that moment back to my mind. LOL.) Not to forget the gathering with the rest of the good people who made my birthday beautiful.

Thank you to all of you! To everyone who wished me well, gave me strength, shared encouraging posts and quotes, I really appreciate all the things you have done for me. Really thank you!

Lots of pictures ahead!

최종적으로... 最后……

Finally...

Something positive in my blog.

I've decided to try to blog less on the sad things and focus on the happier things in my life. After all, aren't happy moments worth remembering more than the sad ones?

My 26th birthday is coming in another two days. Honestly, when 2013 started, I really dread the day I will be 26. And when the break up happened, I felt even worse and as if there was nothing to look forward to.

But you know, when life gives you hell, and closes the door on you, it opens another door for you.
Life took my relationship away from me, but gave me a bunch of friends, really good friends, who made me learn to appreciate the good things about 10 March again.

On Monday, 4 March, I was duped into going for what I thought was a casual lunch outing with my colleagues at Hotodogu. Ordered food, chatted with them, had fun laughing... When I suddenly noticed THE CAKE that was so obviously made by our resident lenglui baker, Miss Kwanyi!

The awesome Red Velvet cake!

It was then it hit me, "ahhh! No wonder nobody wanted to go back to the office yet. No wonder Doris is here today! No wonder the guys weren't at the mamak as what Wai Fong had told me earlier!"

Yes, these really good friends, shyly sang me a birthday song (it wasn't a complete song, I demand a complete one!!!), made a cute "banner" for my cake with the lovely heart shaped candle, and made me laugh. Kwanyi actually baked the Red Velvet cake for my birthday. <3 Thank you, lenglui! It tasted awesome!

One of the most memorable birthday celebrations ever.

Then on Tuesday night, Sheila, my house mate of two years, gave me a birthday gift. She got me a good book. I think it really suits me since I'm a dog lover and I'm in need of inspiring stories! LOL.
Thank you, Sheila for the really thoughtful gift!

Gift from Sheila

And today, when I entered office, I saw a teddy sitting on my chair, waiting for me. It was "holding" a letter in its arms. Turns out it's an early birthday gift from my beloved team mates. The poem on the letter was really beautiful.


Here's what's written on the letter:

Wishing you happiness
To welcome each morning
Wishing you laughter
To make your heart sing
Wishing you friendship
Sharing and caring
And all of the joy
The birthday can bring.
Happy Birthday!!

My new friend, Legal Bear

I really felt very touched by all these little actions by the people around me who care for me.
Suddenly, I am not so afraid of 10 March any longer. And suddenly, I feel that my 26th birthday is going to be  the most awesome birthday ever.

I think all the positivity I had built inside me over time since the break up is good. I feel so much less emotional now and am able to look forward to a more beautiful and peaceful life.

I am really blessed. Blessed to have friends and family who truly love and support me.

Life goes on... Without you.

Today, I walked the path that we used to walk on hand-in-hand.

When I entered the place, I was afraid. Very afraid that all those memories would come rushing back to me, and that I would shed a tear or two. And so I told myself, "You will be fine. You will walk out of here fine."

Once I stepped my foot in, I set out to look for the meatballs and fruit juice we once used to share when we came. As I walked on, with my friends beside me, I saw other food that I like. I bought some, walked on, bought more and walked on. All the while, I was looking out for that two favourite stalls of ours from time to time.

And before I knew it, I was already at the end of the night market. And I didn't find the two stalls that we so loved.

It was then that I realized...

Life goes on.
People change.
What used to matter a lot, might not matter anymore.

This conscious mind of mine might have wanted to deliberately look for the stalls, but the truth is, while walking along the street, I found other food I enjoyed & items that attracted me. And that the food we used to share, didn't seem to hold any meaning for me now. I somehow unconsciously pushed them to the least important part of my priority list today.

Just like what Jo said, I felt that some things might have looked beautiful to me once a long time ago. But then again, I might have moved on so far from it that I don't even know that such things don't make me upset or regretful anymore.

Today, I walked out of the place, not traumatized.... But liberated.

Are You With The Right Partner?

Read this article before the break up. Showed it to him, but I doubt he read it. Because if he had, and if he had tried to understand it, we wouldn't be where we are today. Saw it again today, and decided to share it on my blog.

All I can say is, that some people will really see the "breakdown" period of a relationship as an invitation to let go and end it all, because in their mind, they think "No, if we continue, it will end up going no where. We will end up in divorce."

What I'm trying to say is, it all boils down to whether or not, a person wants you. If he or she sincerely wanted to stay on, nothing can make him or her leave you.

ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER..???
During a seminar, a woman asked, "How do I know if I am with the right person?"
The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, "It depends. Is that your partner?" In all seriousness, she answered, "How do you know?"
"Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind," replied the author.
Here's the answer.
Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love.
People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet."Picture the expression.It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.
Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown. (Op: I guess this was what happened to my relationship with him. He started saying I annoyed him, he refused my hugs, and found the things I like stupid and immature.)
The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.
People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.
Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.
Because (listen carefully to this):
The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the Person you found.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.
Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.
Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling.

I believe it takes both to make a relationship work.
Because only the right person will be willing to learn how to love you and sustain the relationship with you, rather than seeking for more options outside of the relationship just because he or she has grown tired and weary of the situations.

A right person, will never give up on you, no matter how tough the road gets.

Closure.

I never had an answer.
Since the day you first said you didn't want me anymore, I didn't know exactly why or what made you so certain that your life will be better without me.

Then as if a prayer had been answered, I received the answer I had been seeking for, though not from you directly.

Things have become much easier to swallow, much easier to digest as well.
Yes, it still hurts. How can it not? We had been together for 1400 plus days.
To have that all taken away from me, in a wink of an eye, is not easy to handle.

But slowly and steadily, I am moving on...

And I can finally close this chapter of my life.

Our chapter was beautiful when it started, filled with trials and tribulations in the middle, and slowly, like all stories, and all chapters, there is an ending. I wished for it to have ended on a more beautiful note, but then, if it had ended so beautifully, perhaps the next chapter will not be entertaining and lovely anymore.

Now, my story is unwritten. I am facing a blank book, starting all over again. Holding a pen in my hand, I'm going to write beautiful stories.

Thank you for 4 years of ups and downs, for the good memories we had, and for letting me see how I really deserve a much better person in my life.

I don't hate you. I don't blame you. I hope you live well.

신뢰. 信任。

A friend posted this on his FB status today.

And I feel that there seems to be some truth in it.

"我最信任的人…教会了我，不要轻易的相信一个人"

In my case, this is very true.

The person I trusted the most, taught me to never easily believe in someone else.

我也可以是 Super Marie

前几天， 真的是超级多感触也特别情绪化。

有些天， 会有一股冲动想知道很多很多东西……
有些天， 又却什么都不想做，只想一个人静静……
但每一天，都会想他，念着他， 然后拼命的问自己一大堆不需要的问题。

但昨晚，我突然有些领悟。

我发现我这几天太不乖了……

我让自己伤心，让自己累。忘了那天对自己说的诺言…… 说好不问，不追究，也不理了。就应该勇敢地做到底。

所以昨晚我做了一些让自己快乐的事。
发觉了， 我不在像几天前一样那么情绪化了。

真的希望这一次，我可以不退后的走向前。

I believe that my future lies somewhere out there, in a better place, in a more beautiful way.

Even if...

A lot of people asked me... 

If I am really sure you like her and if you're together with her. 

If I am very sure that there was a third party.

No, I am not 100% sure. 

How can I be 100% sure if it you do not want to speak to me in person? How can I be 100% sure if your story is full of flaws?

But I am 100% sure... 

That she does like you.

That you did contact her on the day you mentioned break up.

That you brought her out on a date 4 days after our break up to have a candle light dinner.

That you lied about not having anyone in mind after the break up.

That you lied about purposely planning the date with her just to spite me.

They also asked me if I'll take you back if one day you come up to me and ask me to take you back.

Honestly, I will not. I will not take back a man like you.

Even if you did not cheat.

Even if there wasn't a third party.

Even if you didn't lie.

Even if she didn't like you.

I will still not take you back. 

Because the thing that hurt me the most was you giving up on us, on our dreams, our future, our plans, and all those other things that we painstakingly built together for the last four years.

Just because you are scared. Just because you became a selfish coward.

You took the easy way out and decided to give up on us.

To give up on me when I needed you the most... at my weakest moment. You decided that it became too much for you to bear, so you decided to leave.

How can I ever take back a man like you?

A man who ditched me in times of need and when I am sick.
How can I ever rely and depend on a man like you who quits because in your eyes, I became a burden to you? 

A man who sees my weakest point in my life as a liability, and not a moment whereby you should stand by and support me and help me to recover.

I cannot. I cannot take back a man like you.

꿈을. 梦。

A weekend at home, and so many things on my mind.

I feel I am trapped. Stagnant. With no idea how to move on. It's not a bad thing actually. Because at this phase I see a lot of things that I couldn't. And I realised a lot of things that I never thought of as well.

I've been thinking too much that I dreamt so much. And honestly, they weren't pleasant dreams.

And it's funny how these dreams used to be beautiful. How they used to be dreams I envisioned us to be.

Dreams. 

To me, for the last 4 years, dreams were what you and I make them to be. Dreams were what we had, what we held on to. 

Dreams included a home, a car, our dogs and our family. Dreams meant the things we wanted to achieve together. Dreams meant getting married, start of a family, travelling the world, holding hands till we grow old and weary, but never giving up.

Our dreams, are now haunting me... in my dreams.

Almost every night, I dream of the day you broke my heart. I dream of the day you admitted your unfaithfulness. I dream of the love you have broken and the hurt you have brought me.

I dream so many times that sometimes I fear going to bed. 

Because in my dreams, you're so horrible. You will hurt me again and again. In my dreams. And all I do in my dreams is just cry. I never say anything. Just you, and sometimes, her, saying mean things to me, making me feel overwhelmed by my own tears.

I hate that feeling. That feeling of suffocation. That feeling of being strangled and yet, not being able to do anything to stop it from happening.

I have stopped asking why it had to happen this way.

I have also started to stop taking interest in the things you do.

But I still can't stop myself from feeling hurt about what you did to me. About my shattered dreams. 

Most people would think that I feel angry and upset because of the third party involvement...

But no. That's not what hurt me the most.

What hurt me the most,  were the things you told me, on the night before Chinese New Year Eve. 

When you said that you were never going to marry me and was just waiting for me to leave on my own. 

That, meant you were giving up. That, meant that you wanted the easy way out. That, meant that you rather be a coward and a selfish jerk rather than to tell me how you really felt. If I had never asked that question, I doubt you will ever let me know. If I had never found out, I bet you'd probably have dragged my time and wasted it in just hoping I will leave. I think that was why you behaved strangely and acted coldly towards me during the last two weeks.

I fell in love with you... a coward. 

An irresponsible coward.

And honestly, I don't know if I will ever be capable of loving and trusting another person again.

친구 들. 朋友。

I have always felt I am a very blessed soul. No matter where I go, I always have a group of sincere friends who truly cares for me and love me.

They don't judge. They don't hold back. They tell me where my mistakes are and then guide me to do things correctly.

When I am happy, they share my joy.
When I am down, they share their shoulders for me to cry on.

But I've never thought that my friends will go to such extend as to cheer me up. Leaving notes at my desk, giving me words of encouragement every single day, and reminding me that I can get through this.

They make time for me, even offered to change their plans so that I will not be alone.

I am really blessed and thankful that I am being put in such situation because I can totally understand now why people say that in times of need, only your family and truest friends will be there for you.

I've met so many angels through this episode. And if I have a choice to choose between saving my relationship or them, I'd willingly go through this slump again just to know who they are and feel their love.

Thank you, my friends. You all know who you are. :)

자신. Building Confidence.

For a while, at least 1 week plus, I allowed myself to feel miserable.

I allowed myself to feel sad, ugly and unwanted on the inside.
I allowed myself to blame my looks, my size and everything in me that wasn't perfect.

I blamed my height. I blamed my weight. I blamed my features. I blamed my capability. I blamed my age.

I just blamed myself for not looking good, and for not trying to look better when I was with you... Because the third party is a 21-year-old tall, lanky, big-eyed, sweet-looking and somewhat pretty and fair-skinned girl. Someone, who, in your eyes, would be considered as elegant.

So I blamed myself for not trying to look good nor elegant. For allowing myself to be fat and round...

Then I decided...

 THIS THINKING HAS TO STOP.

Because deep down inside, I know I am not ugly. I may not be beautiful, but I know that I have such unique pair of eyes that a lot of people are envious of. They may not be huge and round, nor do they sparkle, but they smile.

Yes, I can do "eyesmile".

And I thought,

"Hey, if this person doesn't love me for who I am and doesn't appreciate my unique features, then so be it. Because having a pair of "sepet" eyes have always been my pride. It has always been how people remember me and how I present myself to people. So what if I don't meet the typical criteria of a pretty lass? I am me. And a man who loves me should love me, for me. Not for how I look."

I no longer feel ugly nor small inside. Because I am not typical.

I am unique.

And unique people ALWAYS leave lasting impression.

진정한 사랑. 真正的爱情。

Something a friend shared with me. There's truth in it.　

分享：真正的爱情，不是付出全部，而是让自己成为更好的人。爱一个人没有回应，与其乞讨爱情，不如骄傲地走开。在爱情里，最在乎的一方，最后往往输得最惨。
找个让你开心一辈子的人，才是爱情的目标。最好，往往就是在你身边最久的。 

所以，选爱人不需要太多标准，只要这三样：不骗你，不伤害你，和陪着你。

It's just like this English verse I came across a long time ago.

Find arms that will hold you at your weakest, eyes that will see you at your ugliest, lips that will kiss you in both instances, and a heart that will love you at your worst. Only then will you have found your true love.