신뢰. 信任。

A friend posted this on his FB status today.

And I feel that there seems to be some truth in it.

"我最信任的人…教会了我，不要轻易的相信一个人"

In my case, this is very true.

The person I trusted the most, taught me to never easily believe in someone else.

我也可以是 Super Marie

前几天， 真的是超级多感触也特别情绪化。

有些天， 会有一股冲动想知道很多很多东西……
有些天， 又却什么都不想做，只想一个人静静……
但每一天，都会想他，念着他， 然后拼命的问自己一大堆不需要的问题。

但昨晚，我突然有些领悟。

我发现我这几天太不乖了……

我让自己伤心，让自己累。忘了那天对自己说的诺言…… 说好不问，不追究，也不理了。就应该勇敢地做到底。

所以昨晚我做了一些让自己快乐的事。
发觉了， 我不在像几天前一样那么情绪化了。

真的希望这一次，我可以不退后的走向前。

I believe that my future lies somewhere out there, in a better place, in a more beautiful way.

Even if...

A lot of people asked me... 

If I am really sure you like her and if you're together with her. 

If I am very sure that there was a third party.

No, I am not 100% sure. 

How can I be 100% sure if it you do not want to speak to me in person? How can I be 100% sure if your story is full of flaws?

But I am 100% sure... 

That she does like you.

That you did contact her on the day you mentioned break up.

That you brought her out on a date 4 days after our break up to have a candle light dinner.

That you lied about not having anyone in mind after the break up.

That you lied about purposely planning the date with her just to spite me.

They also asked me if I'll take you back if one day you come up to me and ask me to take you back.

Honestly, I will not. I will not take back a man like you.

Even if you did not cheat.

Even if there wasn't a third party.

Even if you didn't lie.

Even if she didn't like you.

I will still not take you back. 

Because the thing that hurt me the most was you giving up on us, on our dreams, our future, our plans, and all those other things that we painstakingly built together for the last four years.

Just because you are scared. Just because you became a selfish coward.

You took the easy way out and decided to give up on us.

To give up on me when I needed you the most... at my weakest moment. You decided that it became too much for you to bear, so you decided to leave.

How can I ever take back a man like you?

A man who ditched me in times of need and when I am sick.
How can I ever rely and depend on a man like you who quits because in your eyes, I became a burden to you? 

A man who sees my weakest point in my life as a liability, and not a moment whereby you should stand by and support me and help me to recover.

I cannot. I cannot take back a man like you.

꿈을. 梦。

A weekend at home, and so many things on my mind.

I feel I am trapped. Stagnant. With no idea how to move on. It's not a bad thing actually. Because at this phase I see a lot of things that I couldn't. And I realised a lot of things that I never thought of as well.

I've been thinking too much that I dreamt so much. And honestly, they weren't pleasant dreams.

And it's funny how these dreams used to be beautiful. How they used to be dreams I envisioned us to be.

Dreams. 

To me, for the last 4 years, dreams were what you and I make them to be. Dreams were what we had, what we held on to. 

Dreams included a home, a car, our dogs and our family. Dreams meant the things we wanted to achieve together. Dreams meant getting married, start of a family, travelling the world, holding hands till we grow old and weary, but never giving up.

Our dreams, are now haunting me... in my dreams.

Almost every night, I dream of the day you broke my heart. I dream of the day you admitted your unfaithfulness. I dream of the love you have broken and the hurt you have brought me.

I dream so many times that sometimes I fear going to bed. 

Because in my dreams, you're so horrible. You will hurt me again and again. In my dreams. And all I do in my dreams is just cry. I never say anything. Just you, and sometimes, her, saying mean things to me, making me feel overwhelmed by my own tears.

I hate that feeling. That feeling of suffocation. That feeling of being strangled and yet, not being able to do anything to stop it from happening.

I have stopped asking why it had to happen this way.

I have also started to stop taking interest in the things you do.

But I still can't stop myself from feeling hurt about what you did to me. About my shattered dreams. 

Most people would think that I feel angry and upset because of the third party involvement...

But no. That's not what hurt me the most.

What hurt me the most,  were the things you told me, on the night before Chinese New Year Eve. 

When you said that you were never going to marry me and was just waiting for me to leave on my own. 

That, meant you were giving up. That, meant that you wanted the easy way out. That, meant that you rather be a coward and a selfish jerk rather than to tell me how you really felt. If I had never asked that question, I doubt you will ever let me know. If I had never found out, I bet you'd probably have dragged my time and wasted it in just hoping I will leave. I think that was why you behaved strangely and acted coldly towards me during the last two weeks.

I fell in love with you... a coward. 

An irresponsible coward.

And honestly, I don't know if I will ever be capable of loving and trusting another person again.

친구 들. 朋友。

I have always felt I am a very blessed soul. No matter where I go, I always have a group of sincere friends who truly cares for me and love me.

They don't judge. They don't hold back. They tell me where my mistakes are and then guide me to do things correctly.

When I am happy, they share my joy.
When I am down, they share their shoulders for me to cry on.

But I've never thought that my friends will go to such extend as to cheer me up. Leaving notes at my desk, giving me words of encouragement every single day, and reminding me that I can get through this.

They make time for me, even offered to change their plans so that I will not be alone.

I am really blessed and thankful that I am being put in such situation because I can totally understand now why people say that in times of need, only your family and truest friends will be there for you.

I've met so many angels through this episode. And if I have a choice to choose between saving my relationship or them, I'd willingly go through this slump again just to know who they are and feel their love.

Thank you, my friends. You all know who you are. :)

자신. Building Confidence.

For a while, at least 1 week plus, I allowed myself to feel miserable.

I allowed myself to feel sad, ugly and unwanted on the inside.
I allowed myself to blame my looks, my size and everything in me that wasn't perfect.

I blamed my height. I blamed my weight. I blamed my features. I blamed my capability. I blamed my age.

I just blamed myself for not looking good, and for not trying to look better when I was with you... Because the third party is a 21-year-old tall, lanky, big-eyed, sweet-looking and somewhat pretty and fair-skinned girl. Someone, who, in your eyes, would be considered as elegant.

So I blamed myself for not trying to look good nor elegant. For allowing myself to be fat and round...

Then I decided...

 THIS THINKING HAS TO STOP.

Because deep down inside, I know I am not ugly. I may not be beautiful, but I know that I have such unique pair of eyes that a lot of people are envious of. They may not be huge and round, nor do they sparkle, but they smile.

Yes, I can do "eyesmile".

And I thought,

"Hey, if this person doesn't love me for who I am and doesn't appreciate my unique features, then so be it. Because having a pair of "sepet" eyes have always been my pride. It has always been how people remember me and how I present myself to people. So what if I don't meet the typical criteria of a pretty lass? I am me. And a man who loves me should love me, for me. Not for how I look."

I no longer feel ugly nor small inside. Because I am not typical.

I am unique.

And unique people ALWAYS leave lasting impression.

진정한 사랑. 真正的爱情。

Something a friend shared with me. There's truth in it.　

分享：真正的爱情，不是付出全部，而是让自己成为更好的人。爱一个人没有回应，与其乞讨爱情，不如骄傲地走开。在爱情里，最在乎的一方，最后往往输得最惨。
找个让你开心一辈子的人，才是爱情的目标。最好，往往就是在你身边最久的。 

所以，选爱人不需要太多标准，只要这三样：不骗你，不伤害你，和陪着你。

It's just like this English verse I came across a long time ago.

Find arms that will hold you at your weakest, eyes that will see you at your ugliest, lips that will kiss you in both instances, and a heart that will love you at your worst. Only then will you have found your true love.

Run Devil Run

Have always loved this song.



But it is only till now that I know and feel the song. Have been playing it on loop for the whole day, and each time I listen to it, it's just to hear the last 4 lines.

이 넓은 세상 반은 남자
너 하나 빠져봤자
꼭 나만 봐줄 멋진 남자
난 기다릴래 혼자


Powerful song indeed. :)

Tracks of My Tears

People say I'm the life of the party
Because I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears.

************** 

My smile is my make-up I wear since my break-up with you. 


Somehow feel like this song was meant for me to sing. 

Sigh.

你要我一夜长大， 说是为我好……

如果有能很准确的表达自己心声的歌，　那肯定就是这两首吧……

梁静茹的　“一夜长大”　和　“为我好”。

把两首歌合在一起，　就等于我的心情了。

我真的很好奇，　我到底哪里出错了？　我到底哪里做得不够好？

但这些都不重要了……　

당신이 사라 졌어요. 你走了。

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, you held my hand, and asked me, "Do you feel safe now?"

We fought. We cried. We hugged. We shared every little thing in life for 4 years.
For 4 years, I made you my life, my reason to strive harder.
For 4 years, we made dreams. We made plans for a future together. We even started house-hunting.

But somewhere in the 4 years, we both changed. You no longer gave me back hugs. I no longer asked to accompany you out for trivial trips to the petrol station. You no longer wanted to come home to me. I no longer wanted to hear you talk about your dreams. You lost confidence in us... and I guess so did I.

The only thing that didn't change was that I still never wanted to give up. No matter how bad communication was between us, I never ever once thought of giving up on you.

But you did.

I remember I asked you this before. I said, "Can you put in more effort and work things out with me? No matter how tough it may be? If you really feel you don't want and can't do it, can you let me know? Can you let me go if you cannot do it?"

I never really imagined you'd have thought so hard about the things I said. I never thought that you will actually see it as an invitation to give up. I never thought that you will actually believe that I was asking you to let me go, when all I ever did was to stand by you and forgive you, even when you lied and hurt me badly, again and again.

I think somehow my words speak louder than my actions in your eyes.

And all these while, unbeknown to me, you were just looking for the perfect timing, and the perfect person to come, so that you can let me go.

And she came. She came less than 1 month ago, swept you off your feet with her sweetness overload, made her way into your heart with her never-ending praises for the big car you drive now, for the shoes you wear, for the "reliable" man you make yourself out to be.

And in less than 2 weeks of knowing her, you broke my heart. You said I annoyed you. You said seeing my face and receiving my calls annoyed you and you hated it. And then you dumped me.

When you told me it was all a misunderstanding , and that you planned the betrayal (eventhough a part of me had a hunch you were probably trying to lessen the aftermath of the fire you started)- the date with her at our favourite restaurant 4 days after our break up, the picture on Instagram, the movie date you brought her to, the interaction you had with her - I really believed you. I felt guilty, bad and even foolish for doubting you. No, I knew you didn't want me back. I knew you were only explaining, probably to make yourself look less guilty by telling me that you purposely took her out so that you can kill all my hopes, and it'd be easier for me to move on. I really believed your silly lie and fell for your trap, thinking that you must really be concerned that I can't move on well, so you had to kill my hopes once and for all. For a while, I really felt terrible for actually believing you left because of a third party.

But then I found out. That in the end, your story is just as flawed as ever. I found out that on the night you first told me you want out of this relationship, you were already on WhatsApp with her...We haven't even officially broken up yet then. And funnily, you chatted with her the whole night, even when you were out with your friends. Something which you usually don't do when you were with me. And on that night itself, she hinted at you that she needed an older man to take care of her. And to that you have no reply. You even showed the message to your friends.

And as if this wasn't enough to kill me, I found out that you messaged her best friend on FB. You asked for the girl's best friend's number, stating that you have some things to ask her. And you can't ask her on FB. And so she gave it to you.

If you weren't interested in the girl, like how you told me, then why? Why did you have to ask the girl's best friend things? If you really were sad, like how you claimed to be and told me, then how could you even find the mood to start conversations with the girl on WhatsApp, 3 hours after you mentioned our break up? Weren't you sad? Didn't you feel bad that you were actually spending time, happily chatting away with a girl you know I felt most insecure about while I was crying over the broken relationship?

I really wanted to believe you. I really wanted to believe your story... But it's just too full of flaws. Your alibi doesn't work. Your lies... one after another... really killed this girl here. This girl who once lived for you, and loved you with all of her heart and soul.

You should be ashamed of what you have done. Whether or not you are together with her, or whether or not you left because of her existence, or because of, in your words, "The relationship has been damaged long ago.", I really do not care anymore.

All I know is, I knew the relationship had problems, and we were hurting each other a lot. But it never crossed my mind to cheat on you emotionally. It never once crossed my mind to do such a pathetic thing to you.  I always believed that we could find a way to work things out, as long as we both try and put in enough effort. No matter how many guys approached me in the span of 4 years, I always flatly refused them. Because I had you. And that was enough for me.

On Feb 9 2013, I lost nothing. But you lost someone who would have fought for you, lived for you, loved you, stood up for you and supported you. You lost your biggest fan.

All I lost was just... a big loser who never truly loved me for who I really am.