꿈을. 梦。

A weekend at home, and so many things on my mind.

I feel I am trapped. Stagnant. With no idea how to move on. It's not a bad thing actually. Because at this phase I see a lot of things that I couldn't. And I realised a lot of things that I never thought of as well.

I've been thinking too much that I dreamt so much. And honestly, they weren't pleasant dreams.

And it's funny how these dreams used to be beautiful. How they used to be dreams I envisioned us to be.

Dreams. 

To me, for the last 4 years, dreams were what you and I make them to be. Dreams were what we had, what we held on to. 

Dreams included a home, a car, our dogs and our family. Dreams meant the things we wanted to achieve together. Dreams meant getting married, start of a family, travelling the world, holding hands till we grow old and weary, but never giving up.

Our dreams, are now haunting me... in my dreams.

Almost every night, I dream of the day you broke my heart. I dream of the day you admitted your unfaithfulness. I dream of the love you have broken and the hurt you have brought me.

I dream so many times that sometimes I fear going to bed. 

Because in my dreams, you're so horrible. You will hurt me again and again. In my dreams. And all I do in my dreams is just cry. I never say anything. Just you, and sometimes, her, saying mean things to me, making me feel overwhelmed by my own tears.

I hate that feeling. That feeling of suffocation. That feeling of being strangled and yet, not being able to do anything to stop it from happening.

I have stopped asking why it had to happen this way.

I have also started to stop taking interest in the things you do.

But I still can't stop myself from feeling hurt about what you did to me. About my shattered dreams. 

Most people would think that I feel angry and upset because of the third party involvement...

But no. That's not what hurt me the most.

What hurt me the most,  were the things you told me, on the night before Chinese New Year Eve. 

When you said that you were never going to marry me and was just waiting for me to leave on my own. 

That, meant you were giving up. That, meant that you wanted the easy way out. That, meant that you rather be a coward and a selfish jerk rather than to tell me how you really felt. If I had never asked that question, I doubt you will ever let me know. If I had never found out, I bet you'd probably have dragged my time and wasted it in just hoping I will leave. I think that was why you behaved strangely and acted coldly towards me during the last two weeks.

I fell in love with you... a coward. 

An irresponsible coward.

And honestly, I don't know if I will ever be capable of loving and trusting another person again.